Deleting You, Choosing Me

Folks, not even 3 months after the woman I loved broke up with me, tried to blame her years of silence on my creative heart and not-always-happy depth of a soul, the woman who told me over and over again that she did not believe in marriage, that she wanted the life we were building, the woman who shuddered and walked away every time I asked her for anything in our relationship that filled my needs as a living, breathing, sexual human. That woman is married. To the woman she left me for, the woman she cheated on me with. 

I'm not writing this to blame her. I get what she did. The problem is, she spent years saying NOTHING and assuring me that she was happy. That we were happy. That my worries were in my head, that it was all my problem, not hers. But all this time, she wasn't happy. And you know what, neither was I. 

If you know her, knew us, I don't want to cloud what you think of her. I have my own anger and blame to deal with, but she chose her own happiness that day and hasn't looked back, will barely speak to me, and is angry if I express my feelings AT ALL. So, please, know this is the last time I will spend words here on that breakup, my resentment, what went wrong, and all my confusion. 

Because suddenly, it all makes sense. I chose to love her as I wanted her to be. She didn't love me, and hadn't loved me for years. Of course, she'll say otherwise. But she didn't. And I let her not love me. I blamed myself all the time, felt ashamed that I wasn't seen as a sexual being, felt ashamed that something I had done caused her to never want to know about my days, my feelings, my inner world. 

And you know what? I'm fucking done with that, ya'll. Every day I have to tell myself I'm enough, that I'm fine the way I am, that 7.5 years was not wasted. Because I don't think I could have learned this any other way: it is really really hard to ask for what you need and be received, and even harder to walk away from someone who won't receive you as you are. This difficulty is worth it. Because from where I'm standing, the feeling that "I should have demanded more for my own heart, body, and soul" is a haunting, tough tonic to swallow. I know now that I was trying to show how special we were. I was presenting us as a perfect couple and her as a person who didn't exist. I know now that I wanted so badly to be loved by her that I stopped knowing I actually deserve the kind of love I need, and if I'm not receiving it, I have every right to walk away. 

I should have walked away. But I didn't. And now I can't control the story she tells about me and who she thinks I am. I deleted her from my life and asked to never see or speak to her again, and I guess that gave her the freedom to share her news? Who knows. But in her mind, I'm a messy woman full of feelings and demands that seem crazy to her. And for months now, I've felt lost in all her silence. I've asked myself what's wrong with me? Why can't she even say something nice to me? Why won't she tell me what's going on with our dogs and my goddamn land I spent so long working on with her while my art and my heart were put to the side? Who stops loving someone so abruptly? What could I have possibly done? Why won't she say even a word? 

No more. I wanted so badly to be mature and have a healthy breakup. But, people show you who they are, and she has always been this. Say nothing until it bursts, then walk away and leave the broken one in the dust. Control and manipulate her more by refusing to show up in the mess of it. Get angry at her anger, even though she's the one who has every right to be angry. 

What I know now is that the more mature thing to do is decide for myself who I want in my life. The more awake thing is to create a healthy boundary around someone who treats me like shit and rubs my face in it. The stronger choice is to say never again will I let your silence and judgment and attitude about the world cloud my own self worth. Maturity is fuck you. I choose me. 

Choosing me means feeling all my feelings. Choosing me means sharing my story and showing up for all the beautiful people who have supported me in this really wild, messy heartbreak and pain. Choosing me means making art and cooking beautiful food and going out and exploring the city to make new friends. Choosing me means taking Pablo to the mountains every chance I get. It means getting naked and being proud in my body. It means relearning my heart and what I want in this world and in my life, first, not intertwined or codependent upon someone else's needs and desires. It means loving this world in a big beautiful way. It means trusting people. It means loving my friends and being good to each other. 

Choosing me means I'm going to be good to myself, first. It means "Boy, Bye." It means I have no shame here. It means I am good and I want to surround myself with good people who show up for each other, who communicate and play and are free with their bodies. Who dance in the rain and laugh loudly and do yoga and heal together. Oh how we will heal together, all of us, if we keep choosing to love ourselves, first. 

I have shit to do on this planet. For too long, I put it on the back burner. I have people to love fiercely who want my love, and I have big and better love to receive. I'm not sorry anymore. I did the best I could. 

What's next for me? Is what I get to ask now. Knowing this has actually given me the freedom I need. And what a good reminder that the hard stuff is hard but god damn, truth is better than silence. It really does set you free. I'm moving on. I'm going to make things. Stay tuned, ya'll.